


Numb the pain

by morjens



Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, Background Character Death, Background Relationships, Doctor Kim Namjoon | RM, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentioned Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam, Mentions of Cancer, Past Bambam/Jackson, Talk about death, Widowed, mention of car accident, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22070578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morjens/pseuds/morjens
Summary: Jackson is lost. It's been six months since his partner died and now it's time to move on. Small steps are taken when he takes part on the discussion group. He learns more about himself and about life. And then there's one particular doctor he learns about.
Relationships: Kim Namjoon | RM/Jackson Wang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. First steps

**Author's Note:**

> New year, new things and old me still here with my namson things, lmao. This has been my nano project -19 that I've been trying to edit now and will publish in small amounts. I'm at least trying to finish it this year, lol, lets see how that goes.

Jackson is lost. Mentally, has been about six months already, nothing feels the same, everything feels boring, meaningless. Physically, about fifteen minutes. Where the fuck does this shop keep their batteries? Shouldn’t be that hard to find but somehow he really can’t find anything at all. He’s been trying to check every god damn shelf but he still can’t find the batteries. Maybe he’ll go to another shop. Or buy a new fucking remote control that has batteries already, this really shouldn’t be this hard.

“Can I help you, sir?” Finally there’s someone to help him, finally!  
“Yeah, I was wondering, hmm, where are your batteries?”  
“On the next shelf, right here”, young boy points his hand towards the shelf and Jackson wants to cry because of fucking course, those are just right in front of his eyes.  
“Thanks”, he mutters a quick word and picks up couple packages, one more just in case so he doesn’t have to come back here just to find batteries.

The thought about how this used to be something Bambam did, he was the one to buy all the household items because he liked to go shopping, got inspiration by watching how people dressed up and something like that, is something Jackson quickly files away. He, on the other hand, is completely different. He thinks shops like this is just something he has to get used to now, something he must go and do his shopping, just because there is no other option.

It fucking stings, still. It’s been six months, two weeks, three days. Minutes, those Jackson doesn’t know anymore. Maybe there is one day when he stops counting on days, weeks too. At least he hopes there is because right now it’s sometimes too much to know, to remember. Every time he remembers, his thoughts go back to that day, to that dull hospital room with pale Bambam and two nurses and one doctor and ugly curtains on the window, voices that try to talk to him but he can’t no longer hear them.

It’s too much, still, after all this time. And Jackson wants, begs God to end his suffering because he is tired of crying, tired of being a shadow of himself. He envies how Yugyeom has moved on, at least he seems like he has moved on. He has family to keep him going, he has little son who is the sun but who also somehow makes Jackson remember Bambam. Right now everything still reminds him of Bambam. Well, maybe not all the things but these little, tiny things that he once thought were pointless and now he thinks are the most important things ever, tries to cling to these memories for a little while still, tries to remember when he still can.

Not everything reminds him of Bambam, of course. That would drive him crazy. He has moved on, eventually. Bambam’s family came from Thailand to meet him and now his final place is in Korea. It’s not close to Jackson’s place but it was prettiest place Jackson could find, so he is ready to drive a little just to get Bambam aesthetics he would have appreciated. He’s been there with Yugyeom, parked along the other cars and shared a silent moment in between hundred of other people who has been buried there. Bambam might be only one of them, only one name in the sea of other names but Jackson can’t see anyone else but him.

But yeah, he has moved on to another house. The old they had together was too big for him anyway and it was pointless for him to stay there when he had to pay rent by himself. Bambam had left some money but it was nothing big and part of it went to pay the funeral and so on. So he moved, which might have been pretty good solution. Now he has new place, not everything feels too suffocating, not everything reminds him of something Bambam did, or how Bambam held that mug or bought that sofa pillow.

Things are getting better, Jackson is getting better. He has his friends. He sees Yugyeom sometimes, plays with this son if he can get past of the fact that the son is Bambam’s godson and now Jackson has to fill the gap alone. Sometimes he watches the little kid play with his new toys and thinks how Bambam would’ve been so, so good with kids, how he would have been a born entertainer, would have made every kid laugh until they peed their pants. Sometimes Jackson has to wipe a tear off his cheek, sometimes he just has to bite his lip and bear the pain. He just feels it’s so unfair that this kid doesn’t even know what he’s missing. Like, he will never know his godfather, never will remember his face, never know how Bambam would’ve spoiled him rotten. How he would have been the best godfather ever, dressed him the most stylish boy in the kindergarten even though Yugyeom would’ve tried to say against it. Boy doesn’t have a tiniest clue about what he has already lost, at this young age and he will never know, and it makes Jackson so sad. How some people will never know how fucking amazing Bambam was, how he made everyone feel ease with him, how he was so easy to talk to and how he made everyone feel like they were at home, how he listened carefully and even though he liked to joke around he also had his serious side only few of them knew. How he really had been scared of death, how he really had so many dreams and now they are all gone.

Home is silent, curtains hanging in front of the windows when Jackson comes back. He did end up buying more stuff than he intended but he doesn’t regret it. If nothing, death has thought him to live a little, live more for himself. Before Bambam got sick they were too busy, too much away from home, thought they would have million years together so they decided to waste a few for work. But there is never time to waste, you’ll never know and Jackson learned it the hardest and now he has to live with it.

So, he decided to take more time for himself, just to understand more life, notice the little things around him, actually get to know more things and take time for the things he actually liked. Who knew he would be so into music, who knew all those cooking shows in tv were so captivating, who knew he actually had a outdoor gym near by his apartment? Somehow he feels like he has been learning how to live again. He had gotten used to living with someone, with Bambam who made it so easy and now he was thrown to live alone and he had to face everything alone.

The “Talk group for recently widowed men” -invitation is still hanging on the door of his fridge. He stares it almost everyday, almost grabs the phone to make the call but always there is something telling him not to. Maybe calling there is final in a way. Jackson, by all means, has moved on, yes, he had to. But has he really, really, really, gotten along the fact that Bambam is dead and there is no coming back. This is not some cheesy fantasy novel, Jackson thinks again and whips out the batteries to try them for his remote control. He makes it work, luckily, because otherwise he’d have to make another trip to that damn shop. His tv turns on now and Jackson sighs when he slugs to the couch. It’s his free day from work and he has nothing to do. He had plans to just watch tv but the remote control didn’t work.

He knows it would be great to talk to someone about this. He has the habit to bottle everything up until it’s too much. Maybe a group to talk with would be nice solution. But is he tough enough to hear everyone else’s story? Does he have empathy for everyone else too? What if he is not enough for the group? He had known Bambam for six years, together they were five and half. What’s that against someone who’s known their partner for twenty years or more? Or what if he is the only gay man there? He knows situation for gay people in Korea hasn’t really gotten better even though younger generations are more okay with it. It’s just the old ones that still like to be conservative with it.

Those are stupid excuses and Jackson knows it. The real reason why he is still at home and not in that discussion group is that he is scared. Scared to open all the wounds he has tried his best to close. Scared that all he will do there is to cry all the time because that’s what he did for almost month after funerals. Every time he thought he wouldn’t have tears anymore he was proved wrong in the most stupidest situations. Finally, two months after he felt like he had cried away all his tears. And now, maybe he is scared to face the situation once again.

“I think it really would fit you, hyung”, Yugyeom has said while they had talked about this. Yugyeom has his other friends who he talks about this, he has his lovely wife and maybe Jackson is little jealous about that. Yugyeom has his own safe net, it’s easy for him to fall but it’s not like that for Jackson. He has tried to talk about it with Mark but Mark is man of few words and usually those words say that he has to go to that damn discussion group and not drown in his sorrow. Well, thanks for nothing Mark, Jackson has thought bitterly but then again, Mark is the wisest man he knows and maybe he is indeed right.

So once again when he stands in front of his fridge and tries to think what he wants to eat, he ends up staring that card. He knows it’s for the best, because he needs to talk, words are right there, ready to be said but he has no outlet for those. Tomorrow, he promises himself, tomorrow he will call to that Jaebeom guy who’s name is in that card. He is 33, for fucks sake, it’s time to be an adult.

It’s not that easy, though. He has his phone on hand, number dialled already and all he has to do now is to press that call button, which really shouldn’t be that hard. It feels overwhelming to finally face the truth and admit Bambam’s death. Of course it’s something he has really understood months ago but now it again hits against his face. He feels his hands sweat, tremble slightly when he chooses the right numbers and hits the green button before he can back off.

It feels like the longest minutes in his life when he waits for someone to pick. He doesn’t know what he even expects but it’s not the cheery sounding young man.  
“Hey, Lim Jaebeom. How can I help you?”  
“Umm, yeah, hey, it’s Jackson. I’m calling because the group for recently widowed men.”  
“Oh, yes! Yes, this is the right place. Do you wanna come to see our little group?”  
“Mm, maybe, yeah.”  
“You can, you are welcome anytime. Usually we meet Wednesdays at six, on the little chapel at the hospital. You know the city central hospital? There’s a little chapel. I don’t know why we even choose that place because, god damn, it’s ugly, but anyway, yeah. Welcome. You don’t have to take anything with you. We’ll offer coffee and biscuits if I remember to buy those”, man’s laugh is friendly and Jackson’s not as nervous as he was when he first started the call.

“I, I could try it, you know.”  
“Absolutely! And here’s men from 22 to like, I don’t know, seventy. Not that many, though, I guess we have fifteen right now. People tend to quit when they feel like they’ve moved on enough with their life or find something else that helps them. This is totally free and even if you come you don’t have to, you know, do anything, or we don’t force you to come here like two years after one time.”  
“Well--, that sounds nice. I mean, I guess I need something just like this.”  
“You can come and visit us on Wednesday and you can think about it then. We don’t force you to stay, of course. But we do have cookies”, Jaebeom laughs before he adds: “At least sometimes.”  
“Yeah, I guess I could come, you know. To see how it is.”  
“And remember. Even though everyone is basically in the same situation, every one is also different. There is not right or wrong way to mourn. Except, you know, if you manage to break the law or something. But other than that. We accept all the forms of mourning.”  
“That sounds nice.”  
“Welcome! I hope to see you at Wednesday!” Jaebeom says and Jackson agrees before they both end the call.

For a while Jackson just stares his phone. He truly hopes this is a step for better. He needs something and he hopes this is the thing that wakes him up from his nightmare.

\--  
When Wednesday finally comes and Jackson lies in his bed staring the roof, he can’t help but think if he should just not go. Now that he knows he has to talk and think about others loses, Bambam has been on his mind way too much. The thought about unfairness, about losing one you love, about how medical field still is helpless against cancers and tumours, how it’s just plain wrong to lose someone who was so willing to live, how had clear plans for future. He has been able to bury those thoughts on the back of his mind for couple months but now he is hit with those again. He is forced to analyse this again and again and it makes him weak. He wants to be able to stand tall, appear as strong person but it feels impossible.

Still, he drags himself out of the bed, shaves, eats, goes to shower and is out of the door before he can even think straight. He needs this, he needs to talk about this. “You can’t stay like this”, Mark has said and Jackson agrees wholly. He already seems like a shadow of his old self and it’s starting to be little distracting. Maybe he should just move to another country? Back to China perhaps? Thoughts run in his head when he puts his navigator on even though he very well knows his path to that hospital.

It’s the same building he left six months ago. He stares at it, not letting any feelings get the best of him. He is here now, he is ready to fix this, he wants to get better and not get too caught up on his past. There’s people everywhere. Coming, going, someone smoking near the entrance even though it’s kind of forbidden. There’s people walking, sitting on the bench, rolling around in a wheel chair. People with hair, people with no hair. People that are able to stand by themselves, people who need help to get out of the car. Jackson has once been one of those people. One of those that hurries through the door, one that helps other to get out of the car. One of those that sit near-by bench trying to make the nervousness go away. He knows that there are rooms on the upper levels that has a window to this same scenery, busy front door. He remembers watching this same thing from the fourth floor, hand tight on the curtain, fingers curling to that ugly pattern.

He sighs and walks inside. It doesn’t smell like anything, it’s totally sterile there. Walls, floor, everything is white or cream white, or some weird green-white tiles. Maybe it is not as ugly as Jackson remembers it to be. Maybe he just thought so because the situation was so ugly, maybe because the reason he had to see those walls had been so ugly that he projected his thought on everything.

Sign on the wall shows him directions. Information desk on the left, elevators on the left, canteen on the right. Chapel, right. If he does end up taking smaller steps, his pace slowing down when walking to that white door he doesn’t confess it to himself. He never went to that room, so he doesn’t know what he even is expecting. He doesn’t know what kind of people there will be. When he finally reaches the door that says Chapel he thinks if he has to knock or can he just walk in. He doesn’t have time to think for too long when he door opens and someone almost bumps to him.

“Oh, crap, didn’t see you! Sorry!”  
“Oh, no problem! Sorry, I was just going to come in.”  
“You’re coming for the discussion group?”  
“For widowed men? Yeah.”  
“Welcome!”, man smiles before he gets serious and continues: “And sorry for your loss. We’re all here to help you.”  
“Thanks”, Jackson tries to smile but man doesn’t seem to take it by heart that his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.  
“Oh, by the way, I’m Jinyoung.”  
“Jackson.”

  
“You’re the one that called Jaebeom hyung few days ago?”  
“Yeah, I guess.”  
“Well, welcome. Yeah, Jaebeom hyung should be there and there’s coffee also, just take a cup if you want.”  
“Ah, I don’t think it’s good for me to drink this late.”  
“Don’t worry, there’s also one without caffeine.”  
“Mmh, thanks for offering.”

Jinyoung takes one step backwards and guides Jackson to the room. It’s large room with white walls, just like hospital hallway has. That’s maybe the only similarity with hallway. This space is full of other colours too. Flowers, new fresh ones and plastic ones put on the vases. There’s chairs that are now put on a circle and in the last side of the room is an altar, just as Jackson thought a chapel would have. Room’s decorating might be little boring but what makes it lively is the people in there.

To be honest, Jackson did know this was going to be hard but now, as he is for real sitting here, listening to other’s stories, it’s completely other thing. Other’s have lost so much, their stories are so raw, they feel so much. It makes Jackson feel small, it makes him remember things he thought he had buried deep down, somewhere he thought he forgot already. All the little details about hospitals, doctors, treatments, even the name of the pills Bambam ate that time. It all comes flooding back when he listens Hyunjoong tell his story.

Every one has their own stories. They are all lost in their own way. Others have lost their wives, others their girlfriends. And Jinyoung, just like Jackson, has lost his partner of long time. Jackson makes a mental note to talk to him later. Before coming here he thought this would be easier, to listen others stories because he has never met these people. Like it would be easier because he doesn’t have a mental attachment to these people that have died. Jackson has been wrong, oh so wrong.

He cries when someone tells story about how his wife used to cook his favourite dish and now he can’t even bear to look main ingredients. It’s weird, he says, the food doesn’t taste that good anymore, now that his wife has died. Maybe she did add some secret spice to it or it just is the memory that makes him feel ill. He doesn’t want to think about too much, man admits, and is on the brink of crying.

Crying, it’s something Jackson didn’t prepare himself. He tries to find his tissues but for some reason he didn’t pack any and now he tries to find something to dry his eyes with but finds nothing. Luckily, Jinyoung is right there, handing a tissue box to him. He seems rather calm and Jackson feels weak and stupid near him when he is crying his eyes out, snot dripping out of his nose. He really thought he cried all his tears already but these stories make his heart ache even more.

After the story Jaebeom offers them more information about widows and their financial status. It’s like therapy group and school lesson in together. Jackson doesn’t know what to think about it, but he takes all the help he can get with a happy heart. He hasn’t had that much energy to understand all the things being a widow makes him have. Apparently, you could have gotten a financial help with funerals if you were poor but that Jackson isn’t so he doesn’t feel bad about not knowing that. When he sees Jaebeom talk to other men Jackson thinks if he is just someone hospital hired here or does he actually have his own experience. He also don’t want to interrupt or even ask directly because that sounds just too harsh, to ask someone “hey, has your wife died or what?”. Nah, Jackson will not do that.

Jinyoung saves him from asking. Jackson finds him again near the yellow flower vase where he is pouring some water to his plastic cup.  
“Hi, did it help?”  
“To be honest, I have no idea. Maybe, maybe not.”  
“Don’t worry, it never helps in the first time. It takes time, as everything in this process does.”  
“You--, you told about your loss too.”  
“Yeah”, there’s sad smile on Jinyuong’s lips when he agrees. “Yeah, I did. It’s been three years, now, I guess. Three years and two months.”  
“Does it still hurt?”

  
“It does”, he says and pours some juice to his water to mix it.  
“Has this group helped you?”  
“In a way, yeah, I think so. First few, maybe, five times I felt like this was nonsense, like this wasn’t helping at all. But slowly, I grew to understand the meaning of sharing. What it meant to open up and tell about my story, about my loss. Maybe it didn’t help anyone but me, maybe it did help someone else with their path to get going, I’ll never know. But yeah, at least it helped one person, me, and I think some way I’m selfish enough to believe that’s enough.”  
“So you’ve seen people come and go?”  
“Mmh, I’ve been here, what, three years, already. Somehow I can’t see my way out of this”, Jinyoung laughs before he continues: “I guess I’m more of a help here these days than an actual group person.”  
“Has Jaebeom been here the whole time? Is he, like, hired help?”  
“Nah, he is one of us”, Jinyoung turns to look at Jaebeom who is already stacking leftover chairs.  
“Like--?”

  
“Like, he has lost his wife too. Yeah.”  
“Oh, I didn’t --, like, I thought he was like as a worker or something, a hired assistant to help us speak.”  
“Nah”, Jinyoung just says and waves to Jaebeom who happens to look at them. He stacks the last chair before joining them. Without asking he takes Jinyoung’s juice and sips it before turning his stare to Jackson.  
“How do you feel right now?” his voice is soft, puts no pressure to answer or lie to him. He knows how it is, how it might be.  
“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t think it would be so--, so overwhelming from the start”, Jackson confesses.  
“Mmh, I’ve heard that before. Lot of the people who come here tell me they thought they wouldn’t even need this but came because their doctor said this would be great help.”  
“Yeah, mine did too. Or, I mean, not my doctor, but--, but Bambam’s.”  
“Was Bambam your partner?”  
“Yeah, that’s his name.”

Jackson did introduce himself when he came. Name, age, location, how many years or months it’s been. No one asked about his lost, not name or why. Maybe it is their thing. To let people tell when they are ready, not to pressure anyone to remember things they don’t want.  
“I’m sorry for your loss”, Jaebeom says and Jackson still thinks how he hates those words. There’s nothing other can do about it and it doesn’t make sense why unknown people would be sorry when they never even know what they missed. But he also feels like those thoughts are stupid, they are just words you must say when you try to be polite.  
“As I am sorry for your loss”, he says back and watches how Jaebeom’s warm smile disappears for a fleeting moment.  
“Thanks, appreciate it.”

“We were just talking about you, too”, Jinyoung interferes their discussion. Jaebeom’s eyebrows jump to his forehead.  
“Oh? What did you say? Were you gossiping about me? As always, huh?” light smile is back on Jaebeom’s lips.  
“Would never do such thing, hyung”, Jinyoung gasps theatrically and Jaebeom only chuckles.  
“Yeah, right.”  
“No, we were talking about how you are one of us”, Jinyoung gets serious, meets Jaebeom’s gaze for a second and Jackson feels like these two men have known each other for a while, they share a knowledge together.  
“Mmh, yeah.”

  
“I was just thinking if you were like a hired talker or something”, Jackson confesses.  
“I wish someone could pay me for doing this, but nah”, Jaebeom laughs little bitterly before he says: “But yeah, I was once like you. Fresh widow and thought the whole world was against me. I’ve gotten back, not completely but to enjoy life again.”  
“How long--, if I can ask.”  
“It’s been, what, five years already. So, I’ve had time, and it’s only thing that helps with this, time. You don’t know it yet, but you will. When you think about this after, like twenty years, it’s not as terrible as it’s now.”  
“In a way I want to remember but I also want to forget because I just don’t bare this pain.”  
“It’s okay, you will be okay. Let me tell you that”, Jaebeom says, eyes serious when he meets Jackson’s stare. He lifts his hand to rest comfortably on Jackson’s shoulder as a warm gesture.

  
“How-, um, can you tell me, how did she die?”  
“She was ran over by a drunk driver”, Jaebeom withdraws from the touch, lets his hand rest on his own hip.  
“Did the driver get anything?”  
“He died also.” There’s clear discomfort in Jaebeom’s gestures when he speaks about his loss but he also looks determined, like he knows he can get through this conversation.

“And yes, I did want to revenge the world after that. I wanted that the driver wouldn’t have died, I wanted him to rot in the damn jail forever. After I got over that phase I just want to get some justice but it doesn’t happen because the driver is dead, you know. Can’t charge a dead man. So, here I am, trying to help others and get my soul some peace that way.”  
“Were you first one? To have this discussion group?”  
“There was a man before me, who was here when I got here. But, ironically I guess, he died too. He had the same cancer his wife had. So, we talked about continuing here with our group and somehow I just over the time got to be the main guy. Not many of the original ones are here anymore and I can only keep that as a positive sign. We go grab some lunch from time to time or go to get beer or something like that. They have moved on with their lives.”  
“Have you?”

  
“I’d like to think so. I don’t think about my loss that way anymore, the way you, who start, tend to think. I just feel like this is the thing I’m supposed to do, the thing I like to do, bring some help to others.”  
“Mmh, I think you just feel like a natural leader, kinda”, Jackson says and Jaebeom laughs.  
“That’s not the first time some one tells me that. But no, I’m not natural, it’s just something I’ve picked on, something I’ve learned over the years. After I go to home after this I don’t think about this in deep levels like the ones who are talking here. I just help to keep the discussion group going.”  
“I still think you’re doing great job here, hyung”, Jinyoung pipes in and Jaebeom smirks.  
“Just because you help me.”  
Jackson feels like he misses something in here even though the whole conversation is happening right in front of his eyes.

“You said its been three years. Have you been here three years? Like, discussing about your loss?” Jackson asks from Jinyoung who now is pouring some juice for himself since Jaebeom stole his last cup.  
“There’s been better days when I haven’t come. But there has been also bad days, worst days, still, and I feel like this is the place that keeps me grounded”, he answers and turns to face Jackson again. Jaebeom excuses himself and goes back to clean the place. Other’s have seem to leave already, three of them the only people still there.  
“That doesn’t sound nice, does it?” Jinyoung asks Jackson when he doesn’t answer.  
“I guess I’ve already understood that there is not a easy way out. That I have to live with this pain and go forward. It’s something Bam would like. He even told me that before he died. That I have to move on. And that I have to learn how to clean my windows. Those two things”, Jackson smiles half-heartedly, lost in memories and the pictures of Bambam saying that exact line about windows. He still hasn’t though, hasn’t cleaned his windows.  
“Keep that memory, it’s nice”, is everything Jinyoung says before he chucks the whole cup down and throws it to the trash bin.  
“Do you need something or can I clean this away?” It feels clear that Jinyoung wants to change the subject and Jackson can’t help but think if it’s still hard for him to talk about his loss even though it’s been so long. He doesn’t pressure more, just shakes his head as indication for Jinyoung to clean all the juice and cups away. He thanks them both and walks away from the chapel.

Honestly, Jackson would recognize Namjoon everywhere. He feels like doctor’s frame has been printed on his eyelids since their last meeting six months ago. Moments from their last meeting fly to his mind. How he sees the sadness on eyes, how he is already extended his hand for a shake, how he is dressed on that white gown doctors use, how he tries his best to sound professional even though Jackson in front of him is losing it, tears streaming down his cheeks, pain clear in his eyes, in his words. Namjoon has been professional, told him there’s nothing they can do anymore. Jackson didn’t beg then, he didn’t say anything else then. Not even a thank you which Namjoon should have deserved. His mind was just a huge mess, nothing and everything filled picture of pale Bambam lying on that hospital bed, covered with a white sheet. How it felt like they were suffocating him with that blanket but there was nothing to suffocate anymore, his love was gone.

Now Namjoon looks like anything but professional. He is wearing jeans and white turtleneck shirt but it’s now stained with coffee drops. He stands in the parking lot, keeps his coffee mug on the other hand and curses out loud. It’s been six long months and first words Jackson hears the cancer doctor after the “I’m sorry for your loss” say are the one’s he would not repeat. He stands few cars away from Namjoon, keys on his hand already and then Namjoon turns. He looks like he recognizes but then isn’t quite sure if he is right. Then again, Jackson thinks, Namjoon must have many patients after Bambam. New ones coming every day, old ones leaving every day, as sad as it sounds.

“Jackson?” So he did recognize. Jackson grabs the keys little tighter when nods and crosses the few meters between them.  
“Doctor.”  
“What-, um, what are you doing here? At the hospital?”  
“I’m not sick”, is what Jackson says and sees Namjoon’s shoulders lose the tense.  
“Well, that’s nice to hear. Doesn’t quite answer the question though.” Namjoon sips coffee from his mug before he remembers the lid is absolutely broken and ends up spilling more coffee on his shirt. “God damn, these things should be illegal.”  
“I have, I have a spare t-shirt, if you need one”, Jackson offers before he really even understands what he’s saying. He really should’ve just say hi and leave the scene. This is stupid, Namjoon is only the doctor who tried to cure Bambam, he has paid the bill already, he doesn’t have to do this.  
“Oh, you sure?”

  
“Yeah”, Jackson says even though he really isn’t sure. Well, he is sure about the shirt, he does have one spare shirt in his car. But is he sure about giving it to Namjoon? Is he sure about doing something like this for someone who is basically a stranger?  
“Well, I mean, I think I really shouldn’t go to work like this. And I even have a casual clothes day, so I don’t have my usual clothes with me since I took it to a laundry.”  
“Yeah, it’s no problem. Let’s hope it fits, though.”  
“I’m sure that it’s okay. As long as it doesn’t have coffee marks on it, it’s fine.”  
“Maybe you should lessen the coffee consumption, you know?”  
“Nonsense, this was only my third cup of the day. But it just decided to break.”  
“Yeah”, Jackson mutters and opens his car to look out for the shirt. It’s easy to find since Jackson usually doesn’t have that much things in his car, he likes to keep it simple and only have the necessities. Shirt is just right where he has put it. It’s basic black t-shirt with a white logo printed on the front side. Nothing weird, nothing too expensive, just a simple t-shirt but it still feels somehow symbolic to give it to Namjoon. Jackson isn’t sure why he feels this way. He ducks his head away from the car and offers the shirt for Namjoon who has removed the devil lid from his coffee mug and downs the drink without it. He finishes and smiles then.

“Oh, thank you so much, Jackson. You’re gonna save my day.”  
“Yeah, well, no problem”, he smiles almost shyly, nothing compared to Namjoon’s deed dimples.  
“I’ll make sure to return this once I’ve washed it, I promise.”  
“No hurry, though”, Jackson answers. Namjoon takes the shirt from his hand.  
“You still didn’t tell me what are you doing here? Didn’t visitor time end already?”  
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t--, um, I wasn’t visiting anyone. I--, I actually went to that group you recommended.”  
“Oh, the one Jaebeom leads?”  
“Yeah.”  
“But that’s awesome! How does it feel?”  
“I don’t know yet. To be honest, today was the first time I was there.”

“Jackson”, smile dies from Namjoon’s lips. He’s clearly trying to hold back from saying something as he sighs: “But it’s been, what, like five months already.”  
“Yeah, well”, Jackson shrugs his shoulders. “I wanted to move on by myself. But, but—“, Jackson feels the same damn tears burn inside his lids and he refuses to let them fall. He is tougher than this, these memories can’t make him weep like a child after six months. No.  
“It didn’t work out, huh?” Namjoon asks, stare fixed somewhere behind Jackson like he gives him time to recover, to get back to this discussion and not to that scene six months ago.

  
“Yeah, something like that.”  
“Didn’t I say you should go there as soon as possible? That group has really helped people.”  
“I guess you did. But I wasn’t quite anymore myself when that discussion happened. I was lost already. I’ve been lost ever since. And now, only now I feel like I should move on properly. I’ve said my first goodbyes, but they never stop. My goodbyes for Bambam will never end, that’s what I’ve learned.”  
“It takes time”, Namjoon says and raises his hand but doesn’t quite know what to do with that. Jackson watches him tap his shoulder, like you would pat a dog’s head, pat pat, and then Namjoon withdraws from the touch.

“So you were there for the first time today? How did it feel?”  
“Well, I think it was--, I mean, Jaebeom seems like a nice guy.”  
“He knows what he talks. He’s been there before, as one of the listeners.”  
“Yeah, he told me about it. He doesn’t seem sad anymore.”  
“Well, that depends on what you mean like being sad. No, he probably doesn’t cry every night anymore but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t long for his wife to come back. Sadness has many levels, Jackson and you’re only at the first steps. It will get better but it never goes away.”  
“How do you know?”

  
“I studied to become a doctor, like seven years, remember.” Namjoon hums and folds the shirt on his arm.  
“But --, yeah, hmh, okay. But yeah, I’m happy I at least had some time with--, with Bam before. What Jaebeom went through was just pure torture.”  
“Having to lose someone for a drunk driver is absolutely terrible.”  
“You’re right”, Jackson sighs. “But what are you doing here? Didn’t your shift end already?”

“Nah, I’m on a night shift. That’s why I have casual clothes Wednesday.”  
“Night shifts. They force you to do that shit?”  
“Not exactly force, no. I myself picked this shift. My friend had meeting he had to go and we had to change the schedule. Hoseok will go to my morning shift. And nights are pretty relaxed, I’m pretty much just catching up with my paper work.”  
“Well, if you make it work, I guess it then is okay.”  
“Yeah. Anyway, I have to go now. It was nice to see you and thanks for lending me a shirt. I’ll make sure to return this. I hope you will be better one day, Jackson.”  
“Yeah, no problem, I gotta go home too. And yeah, that’s what I hope too”, his smile is little sad but at least he tries. Namjoon doesn’t comment anymore, just waves and leaves the parking lot. Jackson stares after him. It feels like Namjoon hasn’t changed in any way and Jackson is little jealous about that. He feels like he is completely different person than he was year ago. Everything in his life is changed.

He watches Namjoon disappear inside the hospital and he sighs before climbing to his car and going to home. It’s been though day and he just wants to get some chicken before going to sleep. He has work tomorrow and he has to be sharp.


	2. Starting is the hardest part

Chapter 2 

It is weird to go back to work. Or if he can say going back when he never really left. When he and Bambam were together he bought a gym near their previous house. Even now he didn’t move that far from it. Maybe it was stupid at first since he didn’t know anything about having a gym. All he had was a clear vision of what he wanted a gym to be. Personal trainers, offering food diets, combat training, dancing. Maybe he even had too big dreams and Bambam had to say stop to few crazy ideas but Jackson wasn’t one to back off when he had plans. He put all his might to that place and made it his baby. It’s almost his second home. Now, these days he has also another place on the other side of the town but he has co-owner to that. He admits that first two or three years were hard. Some months he spent more on that gym than home but Bambam never got annoyed too much. When the gym started to have positive sales and business started to hit off Jackson didn’t still know how to calm down. Eventually all his co-workers sat him down and said that they would buy Jackson out if he didn’t slow down. Ever since he really tried to take it easier but some days it was easier said than done. 

When Bambam first got ill he was forced to hand his business for other people to handle. He knew that if he didn’t live this situation with Bambam he would regret it later. And now that he knows how things turned out he does agree on that. If he hadn’t gone to all the treatments with Bambam he would be even more sorry now. 

After Bambam died he took vacation. It wasn’t a vacation as it was nowhere near relaxing chilling but it was something he needed to do. He couldn’t work so only choice was not to work. He tried to come up with new plans for his gyms but everything he planned eventually went to trash bin. Couple months later he was back in business. He didn’t listen to others when they asked if he really should be there, he just wanted to do something, something useful. He buried himself to work, invented new classes, tried new nutrition diets and went on trying to purchase even third place. That was when Yugyeom marched into his house and said it was game over. This wasn’t healthy anymore. 

Yugyeom, despite being the youngest of their friend group, was of course right. He was one of the dance teachers in Jackson’s gym and saw near what Jackson was doing. In the end he forced Jackson to relax more, leave some of the work for other people and try to focus on himself. 

Nowadays, going back to work didn’t feel that bad anymore. He knew what he was doing, he knew all the signals his body tried to tell, when he was tired or when he just needed to calm down. He usually sat on the office all day but he also was seen on the actual gym helping newbies with their gym plan. It felt nice to get back on track. 

Next Wednesday he is back to hospital. This time it doesn’t feel suffocating to park his car to the lot and see the same building with white entrance. It still does rub him the wrong way but he also understands it’s just hospital and it necessarily didn’t do anything to Bambam. On the contrary, doctors of this hospital did their best and all they could but in same cases it just isn’t enough. He walks through the same hallway to that same door he opened week ago. Before pushing it open he takes a deep breath and tries to calm his beating heart. He knows he doesn’t have to talk if he doesn’t want to but part of him also wants to be ready to share his story. He feels like it’s something he needs to do to be able to move on properly. He needs to give face to all his feelings, he needs to voice all his thoughts to let them free. 

I feels weird to stand again in that hallway, people walking briskly away from him when he tries to gather his thoughts before entering the chapel. He took his tissues with him, learned from the last time. He knows he wont survive tonight with dry eyes, he just knows. He knows now what lies ahead and he has prepared himself to hear others stories again. When he steps in, Jinyoung is once again there. There are other men too, already sitting in a circle form in the middle of the room. Jaebeom is talking to phone in another corner but he waves friendly for Jackson when he sees him come in. Jinyoung sees the wave and turns to look at him. 

“Oh, Jackson, hi! You managed to get here.”  
“I thought this would be helpful.”  
“I hope so too, for your best.”  
“You said last time that it didn’t help at all like in the first five times so I guess I just have to bear the first ones, maybe it’ll get better.”  
“I can’t guarantee that but I sure hope so. It’s hard like that, but it’s just something we must go through to survive.”  
“Trying to be positive, huh?”  
“Something like that”, Jinyoung says and offers him a donut. There are chocolate ones and vanilla ones and Jackson picks up the chocolate one before choosing a chair to sit on. Those are white plastic chairs with red cushion and it doesn’t look very appealing but it’s okay to sit on. Man next to him smiles him quickly when he sits down and tries to keep his donut in hand while handling his phone on the other hand.   
“Hi”, Jackson greets him and man nods him too. They share few words about weather and Jackson feels like maybe they both are just trying to survive, not ready to share anything personal yet. Even though Jackson is the one to make quick friends with anyone he also knows his boundaries and respects other’s, he is not the one to force himself to anyone if they look like they don’t want to talk. And to be honest, he is not here to make friends, he is here to understand himself, to help him move on. 

When Jaebeom starts for today’s session there are only two chairs empty and while Jaebeom speaks Jinyoung moves them away from the circle and closes it so that the empty chairs are outside. Jackson really tries to concentrate to Jaebeom’s voice but it’s so soft and warm he does let his mind wander. There are about ten men, eleven maybe plus Jaebeom, so twelve. It’s pretty much, Jackson thinks. And this is not near how much people really are widowed every year. Seoul indeed is really large city and it has so much people. Maybe other hospitals have their own discussion groups? Or maybe people just are more willing to move on on their own, trying to grab back to life with no one to help them. It seems pretty rational since that’s what Jackson too tried before giving up and coming here. 

“And I think that’s what matters the most. Do you have any questions about that?” Jaebeom’s sudden question wakes him back to the situation from his thoughts. He doesn’t have any questions since he really can’t even recall what they were talking about.  
“Hwanjung, you told us you wanted to share something with us?” Jaebeom asks then, directs his gentle eyes to one man who’s sitting on the other side of the circle than Jackson. He can’t remember the man from the last time but it seems like he has been here more times than he. Then again, he really doesn’t remember anyone else than Jaebeom or Jinyoung and it’s not much. Maybe it was too overwhelming last time or maybe he got so distracted about seeing Namjoon on the parking lot that he forgot everything else. 

Hwanjung nods and stands up, like they usually do when they are talking. Jackson doesn’t know reason for that, he would much more prefer to sit down but maybe it also helps them to focus on something.   
“Yes, I--, I talked with Jaebeom before this session started and like I already said to him, I think I’m ready to quit this”, he announces and other men start to cheer immediately. Jackson joins them even though he really doesn’t know Hwanjung but it seems like a polite thing to do.  
“I’ve found another girl. She is super nice and we have fun together and she makes me laugh so much, I can’t remember when I’ve laughed so much. I think I’ve come a long way to this point and I think I’m ready to leave the past behind. I will never forget the one I once had but now I finally feel like it’s time to start living again. I’m scared, I’m fucking scared because I’ve lost people before but I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want to be scared all the time.”

Other men sit quietly and wait for him to finish. They nod along his speech and Jackson also recognizes those feelings. He knows that the fear about losing the next love also will follow him for awhile. He knows he is not ready to love yet, only six months after but he hopes that in the future it’s once again okay for him too to feel it. He misses the feeling of being in love, misses the little sweet gestures he can make to others, misses the soft morning kisses and warm good night kisses. He misses those but also feels like he is still not in the place for them to be reality. In the future yes, Jackson still has so much love to give and he is not ready to become a monk in a celibacy but for now, he just wants time to heal. He also finds himself smiling for Hwanjung, who seems super glad about others happiness for him. 

“I want to thank you, because without this group I wouldn’t be here. This has given me much more confidence, has lifted be up when I thought nothing ever could anymore. The fact that I could come here as myself, as someone who was totally broken and you let me be myself, didn’t try to force me back to being one, it felt good. You healed me but on my own conditions, you gave me the tools to fix myself but didn’t try to do it yourself because in the end, it must be my own solution, it must be me who decides it’s time to heal. No one else. And I want to thank you for it. Some of you have been here since the time I came here. You know who you are and please know that you have helped me, all of you, in your own ways. And most importantly, I want to thank Jaebeom who’s been here every god damn time even when you didn’t have to, just to keep us check. You don’t know how important you are for this team, for our group—”

“Aish, it’s no problem”, Jaebeom starts to say, blush creeping on his cheeks when he shifts position on this chair.  
“No, I want you to listen, you can’t run away now”, Hwanjung laughs and others cheer for him. Jaebeom hides his face to this hands and snickers.  
“Okay then, hit me.”  
“Thank you Jaebeom, for everything you’ve done. For all the things you’ve ever given us. You’ve wasted all your Wednesdays for us, to come this sad place you don’t need anymore. To talk to us, to give us help with legal things, for give us tips on how to move on and change little things in our life that are bad. We know you’ve walked already your sad path and are on a right track but still you’re here.”

“Because I want to!”   
“And for that I would like to give you a gift card.”  
“No, oh damn, you don’t need to do that.”  
“Oh, but I absolutely must. You don’t know how important you are to us.”  
“Crap, you--, ah shit”, Jaebeom curses softly when he stands up and walks to Hwanjung who keeps his arms up ready to hug him. They share a big warm hug and when they are ready Hwanjung gives him a small white envelope.  
“Use it wisely, leader, okay?”  
“I’m not a leader, you know.”  
“Just shut up, and let us be happy for once”, Hwanjung teases him and Jaebeom blushes even redder. Jinyoung laughs and others join too. Jackson feels little out of it, he really don’t know Hwanjung or his story but the scene feels so warm and like something special just happened so he laughs along. Perhaps he can one day be in a situation like this, to be able to say others he has moved on, that he is not too caught up on his own misery. 

Jackson has just come back home when his phone rings. He listens the boring melody he chose for the tune and thinks once again how he really, really should change it before he fishes the phone from his pocket and answers before checking who it is.  
“Yeah?”  
“Is this Jackson?”  
“Huh? Namjoon?” Jackson is surprised. How did Namjoon even find his phone number? Then he remembers that it’s actually listed on the contacts for his gym and everything makes little more sense.  
“Are you in good place?”  
“Yeah, just got back home. Why?”  
“I was just wondering about bringing your shirt back.”  
“Oh, it’s okay. We can meet at the hospital when I come to the discussion group meeting again. It’s no problem, honestly.”  
“Well, I thought – I just had a spare day today and thought that I could come and see you, you know. But everything is fine, of course.”

Ah, Namjoon wants to meet him. Jackson doesn’t know why it makes him nervous suddenly. Does Namjoon just want to check how he is doing? After six months he should be getting better, already and he really isn’t, not really.  
“Well, um, that could work too. I’m free now. Where do you wanna meet?”  
“Anywhere is fine. Not too far, of course, I don’t have a car.”  
“What about the café near the hospital? The one with a huge yellow sun in the window?”  
“Okay, sounds nice. In a hour?”  
“Yeah, fine by me.”

It goes so quick Jackson really doesn’t have time to analyse the whole situation. Why the hell did he accept this? Why is he even seeing Namjoon again? Is this really about the shirt or is this about something else? Namjoon’s moral instincts kicking in when he saw Jackson looking like a zombie in that parking lot? Whatever the reason might be, Jackson’s sure he will get the answer within an hour. 

Half an hour later he packs his keys and phones back to his pockets and leaves his home. It feels weird to see the doctor again, in this setting, he thinks while he is driving to the café. He parks to hospital’s parking lot since it’s the nearest and easiest, pays and tries to locate the said café. He’s been there once or twice, got a quick coffee and left right away back to hospital but this time it’s different. He is going to actually spend some time in there, to actually see what is looks like inside. Of course, he also has to meet Namjoon. Meeting him without Namjoon being a doctor or without him being nervous mess is kind of refreshing because they never got to meet in any other situations. But, he guesses, it’s just how it goes. He also never thought he would meet Namjoon again, because well, who the fuck ever met doctors again in real life, even if they were the one he met almost weekly or even daily for the several months? It’s just not something people do. 

He steps in and the smell of baked cinnamon buns almost immediately hits him. It’s inviting and Jackson can’t resist their call. He orders one iced americano and cinnamon bun before finding a place to sit. Namjoon isn’t here yet, and he is little early too, so he has time to take a proper look at the café. It’s almost filled up with people from every age group. Elders, kids and adults, all biting to their yummy cinnamon buns. Jackson spots few doctors, they are easy to recognize from the group. Café is close to hospital so if you don’t want that awful machine coffee and are ready to spend some more yens to get proper coffee this is the easiest choice. Maybe Namjoon comes here often and chose it for that reason. He sees hospital looming few buildings from the café, it’s high enough to reach over every other building near by. It’s big and has many levels, making it the biggest building in this part of the town. 

Jackson notices Namjoon before he even enters the café. He is dressed in long beige trench coat and he looks stylish, something Jackson is little bit jealous over even though he knows it’s stupid. He shouldn’t be childish, his leather jacket is okay. He watches Namjoon order something and waits for him to see him. When their eyes meet Namjoon waves him a little and Jackson answers to that. Namjoon has a small white paper bag on his hand where Jackson assumes is his shirt. Or at least he hopes its there. Not that he had even time to miss his shirt and it was just one random shirt. But it would be nice to get it back, anyway.

“Hi, Jackson”, Namjoon greets him when he has got his coffee and sits on the other side of the table. He puts the bag to the floor and takes his jacket off, a clear sign that he has come here to spend some time and not just drink a quick coffee. Jackson feels like he sees Namjoon for the first time as a human, like he is only now someone past his doctor outfit.   
“Hi”, says back simply, takes a sip from his own cold coffee and tries not to get any ice cubes to his mouth.  
“How’s it going?” Namjoon leans his other hand to the table when he fixes his eyes to him. Jackson laughs at that. What kind of a question is that? As if he doesn’t look like a zombie who has died already twice?  
“Well, you know, not too well, but—“, Jackson shrugs his shoulders, lets it answers to Namjoon’s questions. Namjoon’s eyes are warm brown, and he looks little worried. Maybe he feels like he should make everyone feel better just because he is a doctor.

“It takes time”, Namjoon says in the end. Jackson hums to that, doesn’t really want to talk about his road from misery to this day that much.  
“What have you been doing?” he asks because he feels like it’s just polite thing to do. He really doesn’t know Namjoon that well, now that he thinks about it. He has seen him many times but he doesn’t even know if he has a wife and five kids or thirty dogs at home.   
“Work, work, work. We’ve been trying to come up with some new treatments but it’s super slow thing to do. And even if factories send us more pills for us to test it doesn’t mean that we have a suitable patient for them. It takes time.”  
“Do you think you will one day get the proper treatments for all cancers?”  
“At this point I think it’s hard to say. But, I also feel like we’ve come far in the last twenty, thirty years. Breast cancer patients have pretty good ratio to survive. But then there are other cases it’s not--, not that easy”, Namjoon says and lets his gaze lower down. He takes a gulp from his coffee and Jackson thinks he should have never asked about Namjoon’s work because of course it’s going to hurt him, no matter what.

“But what’s good, is that we did have a agreement from our boss to have a hospital dog and I guess cat too, to visit one department. Where they aren’t allergic.”  
“Well, that sounds nice.”  
“Yeah!” Namjoon’s eyes lighten up almost immediately, Jackson sees it. “It is. It was my friends idea, and we have asked it from our boss. It did take some paper work to do and it can be problematic for some departments so we have to have a cleaner come right after. But I think it would work out fine. Some patients, I feel, would be so happy about it. Some researches say that animals help patients with their own healing. So we have this opportunity now and we’re trying to find suitable dogs for the job. I guess kids are gonna be happy the most”, Namjoon laughs and it makes Jackson’s heart ache. He has almost forgot that there really were kids also in the cancer department. Not only adults who had their possibilities to live and see things, but kids who had their whole life in front of them and some had no possibility to survive. It was terrible destiny to have, for the kid but also for their parents.

“Sounds like this is something you’ve worked hard for”, Jackson laughs, not wanting to dwell too much in his own memories.  
“Oh, yeah. And trust me, Hoseok, my friend who’s idea this at first was, is just as excited about this. He works at kids section and he knows the kids would really love something like this.”  
“Working at kids cancer department? He must really like his job. I mean, isn’t it just sad?” Jackson cant help but ask. He can’t even think about working in there.  
“Trust me, it is. I don’t know how he does it. But I guess Hoseok wants to be the good authority there. Like, have you seen what kind of doctors there are? Some can be pretty bad, to be honest”, Namjoon laughs low and Jackson agrees on that. He has seen some pretty bad examples.

“So, he thought that if he would have been a kid and got ill, what kind of a doctor would he have wanted? An old grumpy one? Or one that wants their best and is nice? He just is like that.”  
“Sounds nice.”  
“It is, really. But enough of that! Have you been on that discussion group more than that one time?”  
“Yeah, I was there last week too. And most possibly I’m gonna go there tomorrow too.”  
“How did it feel?”  
“Weird, to be honest”, Jackson chuckles bitterly. Namjoon hums to that, not wanting to disturb him. “Like, I know it’s something I probably need. But then again, I really wanted to get over it by myself. Like, it was some kind of a mission and I was the only one that had to do it. It was pure nonsense but that’s how my mind worked like. I went there and realised that there was really people from every places, every age.”  
“You have something in common, still.”

“Yeah and after listening to their stories my own story makes sense too, in a way. Like, I tried to survive on my own but it was impossible. Seeing these men that has been there for like, three years and are still trying to get over it in their own ways—It just hit me that this is not a quick process. Like, there was just one guy leaving last time and he had only now moved on.”  
“Maybe they also stay because they like the group.”  
“Maybe. Everyone feels quite attached to that Jaebeom guy and I think it’s pretty clear why, too. He really is the soul of the whole group, cant deny that.”  
“He’s been doing that many years now”, Namjoon answers and takes a sip from his cup. It can’t be that warm anymore.  
“Have you seen him?”  
“We have talked, yeah. He comes to speak to the department, sometimes, to tell about the group. And to give us doctors little flyers.”  
“He works hard for the group even though he says he doesn’t.”  
“It’s just how he is. But overall, we just bonded over listening and producing music.”  
“He makes music?” Jackson is surprised. “And you too?” he adds when he understands what Namjoon meant. Namjoon blushes but tries to hide it with his scarf.  
“Well, it’s not anything big, you know. Just something, like a hobby.”  
“What kind of music do you do?”  
“Rap, mostly. Yeah. And Jaebeom writes more melodical stuff, r’n’b and so on.”  
“Wow, that’s so--, I didn’t even think.”  
“He has some little concerts too”, Namjoon reveals and Jackson gasps theatrically.  
“He is that good?”  
“He is pretty good, yeah”, Namjoon laughs at Jackson’s facial expression. 

“Wow, that sounds just--, weird.”  
“Yeah, it’s almost like we have our own life also, like we aren’t just living in the hospital all the time.”  
“Oh come on, no need to be sarcastic with me”, Jackson smiles at that and pretends to throw his half-eaten cinnamon bun to Namjoon.  
“Possibility too good to waste”, Namjoon teases and chuckles when Jackson pouts.  
“I have to ask him the next time, for sure.”  
“He might hate me for telling but then again, do you even know what he does for a job?”  
“No. Is that something super interesting too?”   
“No, I don’t think so. Because I don’t know either”, Namjoon laughs at Jackson.  
“You tried to trick me to tell you! Why haven’t you asked him that?”  
“Don’t know, to be honest”, Namjoon leans to his hand with thoughtful expression on his face. “Maybe it just never happened to be the topic of our discussion. It just never bothered me to ask him. Maybe he is a secret agent.”  
“Who has really public free time hobby as a discussion group leader?”  
“Who knows these days?” Namjoon shrugs his shoulders and Jackson almost chokes on his iced americano when he laughs while drinking.

They shift to talking more about Namjoon’s music and Jackson mentions he has also thought about it sometimes. Has even learned and done some little samples but nothing more. They talk about music, and more about the songs they like. They happen to realise they listen some kind of music, some same artists too. Jackson is surprised how much Namjoon has time to do everything and how much he likes the same music as him. Not all of his friends even know the artists he likes, Mark maybe the most closest to his music taste. Before Jackson even realises they have drank their drinks, he has eaten his cinnamon bun and sun has started to set. They’ve been talking here for almost two hours and Jackson starts to get hungry. He never thought he would enjoy this as much as he did. Maybe he had underappreciated Namjoon, maybe he had never thought about getting to know him more because why would he have done that? They were a doctor and patient’s closest family.

“I think I gotta get going now.”  
“Crap, what time it is?” Namjoon realises too that they have sit in the half empty café for little too long.  
“Little past seven.”  
“Oh my god, crap, yeah. Sorry, didn’t think this would take so much time.”  
“No, it’s not a problem, really. I wanted to be here, so I stayed.”  
“Oh”, Namjoon reaches for the floor and grabs the white paper bag. “Almost forgot the give you this. Really, you saved me that day. The shirt fit well and I washed it after. Didn’t iron it though, but—”  
“I never iron anything”, Jackson hurries to say as he senses Namjoon is little nervous again.  
“Yeah, so here it is. Thanks for the talk. And I hope you keep going to that group. Many has said it’s been a great help.”  
“Mmh, I think I will, yeah. At least now I think it would be nice to have something like that to clear out my mind from all this mess.” 

“Yeah, I guess—“, Jackson sighs: “I guess it’s something I really need.”  
“There’s no shame in admitting that, Jackson”, Namjoon’s smile is gentle and Jackson feels like he really does mean that. Even though this man doesn’t know him at all he just wants good things to happen. “Yeah, well, anyway, I gotta go now. I have a early morning tomorrow”, Namjoon sounds little sorry and Jackson is quick to agree with him.  
“That’s--, yeah, that’s okay. I have too, so um, yeah.”

They both stand up, Jackson keeping firm grip on that white paper bag Namjoon just gave him.   
“It was nice to talk with you, Jackson.”  
“Likewise, yeah. I didn’t know--, I mean before I came here I realised that even though I saw you at hospital almost every time, I still didn’t really know you, so um, yeah, it was nice.”  
“It’s okay. Not many of the relatives really even want to know me. I’m good as the doctor and usually it’s good to keep it like that. Can’t get too attached to someone who is going to die anyway”, Namjoon’s voice is silent, little hurt when he says that and Jackson completely understands that. “But yeah! Didn’t mean to say it like it was super sad thing”, Namjoon says then, smiles a little: “It’s just something I’ve noticed over the years.”  
“Mmh, I understand it.”  
“What I really wanted to say is that it was nice to meet you in this kind of a place and not --, well you know.”  
“I know, I know. And yeah, it was.”  
“So, thanks for the shirt and thanks for the talk”, Namjoon says and puts his coat on. He waves for the goodbye and the he leaves. Jackson watches him go, cross the road and disappear from the scenery. He orders a hot chocolate, three cinnamon buns to go and sits back to think.


	3. Getting back to real world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ve been pretty bad friend, huh?” Jackson asks silently but Mark catches it still.  
> “Nah, I understand it. It hasn’t been easy for anyone, really.”  
> “Mmh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello, it's me again with this namson thing. I added some more tags, so please check them out before reading just in case. ^^

He doesn’t see Namjoon until two weeks later. It is pretty random meeting and he has had his shirt back so he doesn’t really think about him that much, too immersed on his work and trying to fill his weeks with some new hobbies. It’s only after he goes to this new music shop that has opened near where he lives. He does think it’s pretty weird for someone to actually open a music shop since music is mostly streamed and downloaded these days but he does appreciate that someone still tries to keep cd’s and vinyl’s alive. And who knows, maybe there still is enough collectors who want a real things. 

He is focused on looking at the cd’s on rap section when someone walks to the same part of the shop. He sees the new person stand next to him and then say:  
“Hey, Jackson?”  
“Huh?” Jackson lifts his gaze from the cd to stare at those pretty familiar dimples. What is Namjoon doing in here?

“Um, Namjoon? Hi?”  
“What are you doing here?”  
“I was just gonna ask you the same, to be honest”, Jackson chuckles and leaves the cd back to the rack before turning to face Namjoon. He has black jeans and white turtleneck, without the coffee stains, paired with light blue jean jacket and round glasses.  
“Well, I know the shop keeper”, Namjoon shrugs and smiles little nervous.  
“Oh? Really?” Jackson turns to see the shop keeper who is talking with someone else in the other side of the shop.  
“Yeah, Taehyung has been --, well, he was my boyfriend in college. But we are friends these days. I was his best man when he married Jimin.” 

Oh, so Namjoon is gay. 

Jackson doesn’t know what to do with that information. But maybe it tells why he wasn’t that weirded out by Jackson and Bambam when they first came to hospital. Because he was one of them.

“Oh, that--, sounds nice.”  
“Yeah, well, it is. I told him he really should try this. Music shops are dying these days, you know, so it can be pretty harsh financially but it’s worth the risk.”  
“Do you get any discount, though?” Jackson teases and Namjoon chuckles.  
“Haven’t asked, actually”, he admits while laughing.  
“I heard they were gonna have some jazz nights or something?”  
“Yeah, Taehyung really likes all that and he knows couple musicians so I think he will make it work.”  
“Sounds great”, Jackson says and shifts little when talking. He doesn’t know if he should ask more, is Namjoon ready to talk with him or was Namjoon just trying to be polite while saying hi to him. He used to be so good at these social things.

“You didn’t tell me what are you doing here, though?” Namjoon smiles at him. He fixes his glasses while speaking, automatic response to being nervous.  
“Ah, yeah. I live nearby. Just happened to see this has opened. Been wondering what they were renovating in this. I don’t even know what this had earlier, this has been empty for the whole time I’ve lived here. I’ve lived here for six months, since--, well, you know.” 

How the fuck does he always end up talking about his loss when he talks with someone? Jackson hates how easily all the things remind him about the death, how every time everything seems to link to it somehow. He just wants to move on but how can he when everything reminds him of it.

“Yeah, Tae bought this last month and has been basically living in here since he wanted to save some money by painting it by himself and all that.”  
“Were you talking about me?” stylish young man comes behind Jackson and takes part of the discussion.  
“Just said that you’ve been basically living here for a month because you wanted to do everything by yourself.”  
“Can’t never trust others with your artistic scenarios, right?” he turns to face Jackson and his face lights up. “Hi, my name is Taehyung. How you do know Joon hyung?”  
“He--, works at hospital.”  
“Oh. Are you--?”  
“Taehyung”, Namjoon cuts him before he can say anything more and Taehyung realises what he almost said.  
“Oh crap, sorry. Um yeah, I’m the owner of this shop!”  
“Hi, yeah, I’m Jackson.”  
“Jackson?” Taehyung glances quickly to Namjoon who doesn’t comment anything.

“I live nearby and wanted to come check your place. Looks nice”, Jackson compliments him and Taehyung smiles at that, clearly enjoying the praise.  
“When I first told Jiminie I wanted to buy this and make it to a music shop he laughed at me for almost an hour, no joke. But then he realised I was serious with this.”  
“I mean, your hard work really can be seen in here.”  
“Thanks! And if you want to order something I don’t have right now that can be arranged, of course. I don’t know that much about rap but Joon hyung has been a good help.”  
“Sounds nice. I haven’t really had time to look and I think I gotta buy proper cd player or vinyl player first.”  
“Oh, we have those too, they are on the other side of the shop, over there”, Taehyung points somewhere over Jackson’s head. He sees a glimpse of couple bass boosters peaking on the said direction.  
“Thanks”, he says and Taehyung wishes them all good before he flies to talk with another customer.

“Sorry, he--, he knows that I work with cancer patients and can be pretty direct sometimes.”  
“It’s--, really, you don’t apologize. Of course he thought that.”  
“I should stop talking with my patients or--, you know, their relatives to avoid these kind of situations.”  
“No”, Jackson says, maybe little too quickly and Namjoon’s eyes widen in surprise.  
“No?” he repeats, voice unsure.

“No, I think you should keep doing that if it makes you happy. I mean, we are humans too, even if he had cancer or we had someone who had it. That doesn’t mean that doctor can’t see us as humans too. And I think you’re cool so I don’t think you should quit talking with patients.”  
“Oh--, well, yeah, That’s nice. You’re cool too”, Namjoon’s dimples show again and Jackson smiles too, before he even himself realises that.  
“Do you usually do that, then? Talk to someone who has been cured or doesn’t need doctor anymore?”

“Sometimes, yeah. Not like everyday or even every month but when I happen to see them, yeah. Usually I might see them for a long time so I naturally remember them too. Sometimes they want to avoid me, like hide behind the shelves if I happen to go to the same grocery store but usually they are pretty nice about it and are happy to share how they are doing. And I hope they are doing better now.”

“Someone has really hid behind a shelf when they saw you on the same shop, like really?” Jackson laughs and Namjoon chuckles too.  
“Yeah, it was pretty weird, to be honest, but what can I do. I noticed he was there but he did so much work to avoid me in that small corner shop that I didn’t interrupt his shopping time. Maybe he was ashamed.”  
“Why would he be ashamed?”  
“Well… He had a testicle cancer and yeah--, well, you can imagine the rest.”  
“Oh god”, Jackson really tries to hide his laugh but can’t help but burst to giggle. He knows it’s terrible disease to have and knows it’s no joke but the situation of having to avoid your doctor after it just feels surreal.  
“That happens”, Namjoon laughs lightly. 

They stand on the rap music aisle for a little while, shift their topic of talk to the music itself and share their recommendations for each other. Jackson ends up leaving the store with two brand new albums and Namjoon’s phone number, just in case. Namjoon did say he goes sometimes to watch underground rap battles and Jackson’s interested almost immediately, especially after Namjoon says he used to go with his other friend but he has work so much these days that he doesn’t have time for that anymore. So he doesn’t have anyone to go with. Maybe it’s stupid thing to do, Jackson thinks when he walks back home, to be friends with your doctor. With someone who has seen you on your lowest and still wants to talk even though Jackson was nothing but a mess. 

Albums are great and even Mark agrees when he happens to come by next day. It’s Friday and he has two still hot pizza boxes with him. It has become almost a habit for them to meet on Fridays and talk or watch some movies or whatever they want to do. They don’t meet on every Friday because they have their own works and stuff to do but at least twice a month. Jackson suspects it started as Mark’s way to check if he has everything alright and just continued to happen even after Mark was sure Jackson wouldn’t do anything stupid. Mark too lives alone these days, so it’s easy for them do come and go. 

“Here, chicken pizza with extra cheese and some mozzarella sticks for you.”  
“God damn, you’ve saved my night”, Jackson groans when he sees what Mark has brought with him. He pours some coca cola for Mark even without asking because this a part of their habit. Mark is sober and doesn’t really use alcohol anymore. 

“No problem, mate. Hey, did you find new music or what?”  
“This is actually a real cd”, Jackson cuts his pizza to eight pieces and gives a plate for Mark who is still searching for knife and fork.  
“Oh, really? Where did you buy this?”  
“There’s a new store couple streets to north.”  
“Damn, is it closed already for the night?”  
“Yeah, but you can go there next time. It closes at five.”  
“How did you find it?”  
“Just happened to jog by and decided to visit the next day. Saw the owner too, he was about our age. I thought that someone who opens a store there would have to be like over fifty at least.”

“How did you meet him?” Mark is suspicious though doesn’t question it at all. Jackson has always had a talent to mingle in everywhere, get new friends every time he goes somewhere.  
“Well, he came to talk with me and Namjoon—”  
“Wait, wait, what? Namjoon?”  
“The doctor?”  
“The same you were on the café with? Were you on a date?” Mark teases and Jackson pretends to throw a pizza on him.  
“No! Of course not. You know I’m not ready for that.”  
“Yeah, I know”, Mark says quieter, puts his hand soothingly on Jackson’s shoulder for a second.

“No, I just happened to run to him in there. Appears that he knew the owner, it was his old boyfriend.”  
“Wow, small world.”  
“You tell me”, Jackson rolls his eyes and bites to his pizza before continuing: “Well, I happened to heard Namjoon likes the same music and we might go to see some underground rap battles one day. He knows the places.”  
“Sounds cool”, Mark nods. 

After eating they play couple rounds Mario Kart that Mark wins by a clear difference. 

It’s easy like that, to wind up with you best friend. Jackson does admit that while he was having hard time in hospital he didn’t have that much time for his friends but the real ones stayed through all that and came to see him when he didn’t have energy to do anything more. Yugyeom and Mark were the most important ones, always trying their best for him. His gym work buddies stayed there too, silently helping him when he needed help. It’s nice but also somehow bittersweet take time back now, spend time with them because he knows that now he doesn’t have any distractions, he doesn’t have to be in the hospital anymore. 

“Hey, what’s his last name?” Mark asks when they are lazing on the couch and Jackson surfs through different tv channels trying to find something to watch. It takes couple seconds to click on Jackson who Mark means.  
“Kim. Why?” Jackson answers, doesn’t think too much about it.

“Ha, found! You wanna stalk him on Facebook?”  
“Mark, nooo”, Jackson whines but shifts closer to Mark who turns his phone so that they both see it.  
“Well, that’s boring. He doesn’t have anything in here”, Jackson complains after a moment of pointless scrolling. Namjoon really keeps his Facebook page minimalistic and really, who even uses it anymore these days.  
“But look!” Mark presses on one of the pics and it opens automatically on the Instagram app. “Ha, he has linked his Insta account to his Facebook.”

“Instagram?”  
“Yeah, it’s more useful these days. Look, he has so much photos.”  
“Don’t press like accidentally”, Jackson warns and Mark just giggles.  
“Don’t think he will notice it though, he has like two thousand followers.”  
“So much?” Jackson gasps and it’s true, 2055 is the follower count and no doubt growing every day. 

Namjoon’s Instagram feed looks natural like him. He has selfies there, he posing against walls or sitting on benches, and someone else has taken the pictures or he has dragged his tripod with him. He also has pictures of nature and his travels. Jackson didn’t know he actually had time to have a proper vacation but then again, he is a doctor in huge hospital, he is no doubt really good in his job. It’s aesthetic, that Jackson admits when they scroll through the pictures. Sometimes there are other men with him, the music shop owner also in some.

“That’s Taehyung, the store owner.”  
“Hmm, not bad”, Mark comments and clicks open his account since Namjoon has linked Taehyung’s account in his picture.  
“Ah, he has a husband?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Is Namjoon too--?”  
“Don’t know for sure, but probably. Can be bi too, who knows.”  
“He didn’t have any girls in his pictures though.”  
“I think he is single right now, maybe he has just deleted all the pictures with his ex-girlfriend.”

“Might be”, Mark agrees and keeps on scrolling Taehyung’s account that’s little more livelier than Namjoon’s. Taehyung has took pictures more on the happening, more still pictures of meetings and people. He has pictures of his weddings too, happy and bubbly. 

“Looks like they are still in good term”, Mark points out when he scrolls past one picture where Taehyung has his arms draped over shorter boy who has bright pink hair and Namjoon stands next to them, laughing like two others.  
“Mmh, that’s what I thought too.”  
“And he’s handsome.”  
“Mark!” Jackson gasps.  
“What? Didn’t you think so too?”  
“Um, what? No! I mean, yeah, but—ugh”, Jackson groans and Mark leaves the Taehyung’s profile to go back to Namjoon’s. His latest picture is from park, he stands next to bright red flowers, huge brown parka jacket on and black beanie on his head. Jacket is open and he has black normal t-shirt underneath.

“Wait!” Jackson startles Mark who almost screams.  
“What the fuck? What?”  
“Stop, stop, stop. Show me the last picture again!” Jackson demands. What the fuck, indeed.

That’s his t-shirt. That is the one he lend to Namjoon when he spilled the coffee all over his own shirt.  
“What’s with this picture? You see his handsomeness only now?”  
“No, idiot. That’s my shirt.”  
“Huh?” Mark is confused and Jackson replays they whole story about they meeting in a parking lot.  
“How—how the fuck do you even end up in these situations?”  
“Honestly, would like to know as well”, Jackson whines and throws a pillow on Mark. 

Mark closes the Instagram app to prevent any accidents and returns the pillow with even more force straight to Jackson’s face.  
“So he used your t-shirt more then once? I mean, you did lend it to him.”  
“But I didn’t think it would end up in his insta!”  
“What’s bad with that?”  
“I don’t know!”

Mark starts to giggle and soon Jackson follows him too. They are just laying on the couch and both trying to gasp for some air.  
“Why are you even like this?”  
“I wish I knew!” Jackson says, drying his tears from his cheeks. He has been laughing way too much and almost ended up crying.

“I mean, I did lend it for one specific reason, for his work day. But then again, I didn’t say it to him so I guess he was free to use it until he gave it back to me.”  
“Are you even sure it’s yours? Maybe he had the same shirt?”  
“Mmh, good point. I can never be sure.”  
“But do you admit he’s good looking?”  
“Oh god damn it”, Jackson curses but doesn’t look angry. He knows Mark is just teasing. “Yeah, he is. Is this fine with you?”  
“Of course it’s fine for me! I’m not your mother.”  
“And thank you for that!” Jackson links his fingers and pretends to be praying. Mark smacks him with another pillow.

“But honestly. Maybe I still do feel little unsure if I’m allowed to admit that other men are handsome.”  
“But you didn’t shy away admitting it when you were with Bambam. You two were literally looking for handsome men when you sat on the restaurant and scored them.”  
“Yeah, but that’s--, I don’t know, it just feels different now. Like, I know he wouldn’t mind if I suddenly think someone’s cute. But it also feels like I should be still praying for his soul and wear all black until next year.”

“I mean, I think it’s completely okay. But you can’t blame your own thoughts. It’s okay to watch and find someone attractive. It doesn’t have to mean you’re gonna jump to their bed or something. It’s okay to take your time with that but also admit that you are allowed to look and find someone handsome.”  
“Yeah, I guess so”, Jackson sighs.  
“Have you thought about it?”  
“About what? I have been thinking about lot of things.”  
“About are you going to ever start looking for someone else?”

“I--, I really feel like I still have love to give. Like, I still could. But right now. If I would do it right now it would feel like I would just use them to get over my own past. It wouldn’t be fair. And my memories are too painful right now. But in the future, yeah. It would be nice to be able to love someone again. To have those feelings and be with someone who makes me laugh and I can be myself with.”

“You still have time”, Mark reassures him and gives a light pat to Jackson shoulder.  
“Yeah. You don’t that much, you senior citizen.”  
“Hey!” Marks complains and shoves Jackson out of the couch.  
“That’s my couch”, Jackson whines but Mark keeps his grounds. Jackson tries to drag him out of it but Mark clings to the material and doesn’t give up. It ends up as another battle but in the end they both are sitting on the couch again.  
“And to think that you are 34 already, just behave!” Jackson huffs and Mark laughs whole-heartedly.

“I’m glad that you are back”, he just says and dives to hug Jackson before Jackson even realises. He hugs him back and thinks that he must have not been the only one who has been sad these past months. He hasn’t been the only one feeling this crushing misery. Mark and Bambam’s other friends have been there too, in the darkness. And he haven’t even noticed it that much. He knows Mark hides his pain well and Yugyeom just has a positive attitude to life so he doesn’t tend to dwell in bad things for too long but this was just so big thing to happen to all of them he must have felt it too. “I’ve been pretty bad friend, huh?” he asks silently but Mark catches it still.  
“Nah, I understand it. It hasn’t been easy for anyone, really.”  
“Mmh.”

They stay like this for a while until Mark starts to tickle Jackson again and now for real Jackson throws him away from the couch. They play couple more rounds Mario Kart, Mark sitting on the floor and Jackson on the couch and Mark wins again, of course. He leaves when it’s almost midnight since he still has to drive to home. It feels empty now that Mark left but Jackson also feels at peace. It matters to him that Mark has been his friend all this time and is still encouraging him in life.

When Wednesday once again comes he is little more determined than the last time. It’s been hard for him but being here has thought him more about life than anything else. He sees men who are older than him, who has lost someone they have known for thirty year and it makes Jackson think what it would have been like. To know someone for so long, to share their life for so long. Would he and Bambam have made it, would they have been together still in their sixties? Or would they have grown apart in their fifties, he would have bought a Jaguar and Bambam would have moved to live in Paris? It’s useless to think about it though, but he wants to believe that they would have been together until – He doesn’t want to say until the end because that’s exactly what happened but until they would have been both grey and moved only with a cane. 

He doesn’t have the opportunity to step on from the door to where they usually keep the gatherings when Jinyoung rushes trough the door. He mumbles a quick hello to Jackson before briskly walking away. Jackson watches confused after him when Jaebeom steps out too.  
“Jackson, hey! Did you see Jinyoung?”  
“Yeah, he went there”, Jackson points to the way he just saw Jinyoung go. Jaebeom thanks him quickly and almost runs after him. Jackson looks after him but decides he can’t help the situation get any better and steps in. 

It looks same like every time. There are some men already sitting on the chairs, coffee mugs on their hands.  
“Coffee?” one of them approaches Jackson.  
“Huh? No thanks, I don’t drink it after five.”  
“Oh, well, that’s healthy”, man laughs and Jackson grins. “Well, juice then? Tea?”  
“Juice is fine, yeah.”  
“Coming right away”, man says and pours the poor mug almost too full. Jackson has to take it carefully and almost ends up spilling some on the floor.  
“Haven’t seen you here earlier?” man turns to look at him again. Jackson takes a gulp from the mug before answering.  
“Yeah, I just started. This is my--, hmh fourth time.”  
“Well that explains. I just arrived back to Korea from travel.”  
“Where were you?” Jackson asks.  
“Oh, I was here and there, mostly on Paris. I’m food journalist.”  
“Sounds exciting.”

“It is! Oh and by the way, I’m Seokjin, but you can call me Jin, everyone usually does.”  
“Hi, yeah, I’m Jackson.”  
“Mmh, Jaebeom did mention that you have just started. Didn’t know you were so young though.”  
“I think we might be pretty similar in age.”  
“I’m 35.”  
“33.”  
“Ah, you can just call me hyung”, Seokjin smiles at him. 

“Have you been here long, hyung?” Jackson asks moment later. Seokjin has poured some coffee for his own mug, half coffee and half milk.  
“Mmh, what day is it—I think about two years now. Yeah.”  
“Oh, wow.”  
“Yeah. But it’s been three years since my partner died.”  
“You find this late or--?”  
“I guess wanted to drown myself to work first but then I found a pamphlet about this and you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat and I came here. I think it did help me at first, but honestly I just stayed so I could stalk Jaebeom and Jinyoung’s love story.” 

Jackson doesn’t know if the other man is joking or not.

“Huh?”  
“Oh, you haven’t seen? They are definitely fucking, let me tell you that.”  
“What the fuck?” Jackson sputters.  
“Oh come one, it’s clear as sky”, Seokjin says and sips his coffee.  
“You’re joking.”  
“Just open your eyes”, Seokjin laughs but continues then: “Of course I was joking about staying here just for wanting to know if they can stop being idiots and confess, I really do feel like this group has given me much to think about.” 

“What makes you think so?”  
“Hmh, haven’t really thought that”, Seokjin answers truthfully, eyebrows furrowed little. “I think I feel little more lighter after these meetings which is something I grew to like. To feel like I don’t have to hold the whole world with me. I was in dark places after--, after what happened and this has made me realise there is much to find and much more reasons to be happy still.”  
“Do you--, do you still think about it?”

“Of course, maybe not daily anymore but weekly at least. More on the winter since it was on December when it happened.”  
“I sometimes feel like I’m betraying him when I feel like I don’t want to think about it everyday. But I also know that I can’t continue like this, this takes too much my energy.”  
“Yeah, been there done that”, Seokjin says and looks to the door. Jaebeom and Jinyoung haven’t still gotten back and Jackson starts to feel like something is wrong.

“Did you know that we have themes in here?”  
“Huh? No?”  
“Yeah, we usually have theme weeks. I guess they haven’t had those for a while or you just haven’t listened.”  
“What kind of themes do you have?”  
“Financial stuff, handling relatives, how to be at home. And then to talk about different ways of dying. When I was last time, we talked about ethics of dying to a sudden illness.”  
“That’s--, that sounds pretty harsh, doesn’t it?”  
“Mmh, might be. But it also helps sometimes. We actually had a theme for today, and I guess that’s why Jinyoung is sad tonight.”  
“What, why?”  
“Suicide.”  
“Huh?”  
“Has he told you anything?”

“No. Do you mean--?” Jackson leans closer to Seokjin as he is listening to something super secret.  
“Yeah”, Seokjin nods, “his partner had a depression and he killed himself. Jinyoung was the one to find him.”  
“Oh my god”, Jackson can’t even bear to think how traumatic that would have been.  
“Yeah, Jinyoung has been pretty bad shape. I think it gets better sometimes but for example when is the anniversary it’s bad again.”  
“How do you know…?”  
“He’s told me. But you can’t tell I told you. I just feel like you should know why he is reacting like this.”

“Oh geez, I didn’t even—”  
“He doesn’t talk about it much.”  
“You’ve been here for the whole time he’s been here too.”  
“Mmh and I still don’t know much, so he really likes to keep on himself and doesn’t get close and personal.”  
“Thanks for telling me. I don’t--, I don’t know if it’s any better to know but --, yeah”, Jackson shrugs his shoulders.

“But what are you doing? For living, I mean”, Seokjin changes the topic smoothly and soon Jackson finds himself talking about his gym and working out. Seokjin admits he doesn’t do it that much, even though he really should as his job really just forces him to eat all the time.

When they are talking about how Seokjin should really go check his nearest gym and Jackson promises to send him easy steps on how to start, Jaebeom comes back. It’s over six already, they should have started but everyone waited for him to start today’s theme.  
“Sorry about the wait”, he says and claps his hand. He doesn’t look very happy about being here. Jinyoung is still not here but Jackson understands that well.  
“Let’s start then!”

It’s sad topic but the discussion they have is pretty mind clearing. Jackson is happy that he gets to hear everybody’s thoughts on the matter. It must have not been easy and it sounds like it’s most terrible way to lose someone but he also thinks that those that have survived it are the most strongest. During the discussion he sees Jinyoung come back too. He doesn’t sit with them on the circle but decides to stay further. He looks like he’s been crying and he doesn’t say anything, just listens carefully. Jackson wants to say something but he also feels like he can’t without making it clear that he knows something he shouldn’t. So he stays quiet and only offers a light smile for Jinyoung when he sees him after they have ended the discussion. Jaebeom starts to stack the chairs and other men leave or gather to talk in smaller groups. Seokjin asks for Jackson’s phone number before leaving. Jackson sees him eye worried for Jinyoung but Jinyoung looks like he doesn’t want to talk with anyone so Seokjin leaves him be. Jackson also almost lets Jinyoung be alone but Jinyoung himself approaches him.

“Hey”, he greets in low voice. “I’m sorry for almost running over you.”  
“Nah, that’s not a problem”, Jackson reassures him, offers a small, light smile.  
“It’s just--, it’s been bad these days.”  
“It’s completely okay, I understand”, Jackson says and offers a light smile for him.  
“Yeah, I--, I don’t wanna talk about it, but umh, yeah, I’m sorry.”  
“No need, it’s okay.”  
“Yeah, so, bye I guess”, Jinyoung steps back few steps and turns to see Jaebeom who is still stacking the chairs. 

Jackson watches him approach Jaebeom and feels like an intruder. Something in the way Jinyoung lightly touches Jaebeom’s arms before talking tells him more than all the words. Maybe Seokjin was right, all along. He leaves the room quietly, without wanting to disturb them. 

Drive back to home is silent, his radio playing too boring songs to sing along. Maybe he will be okay, in the end. Then again, it’s okay to take your time. If others, still after all those years, could feel bone crushing sadness, it’s completely okay for him too. He knows he will remember Bambam like he used to be, he wants to remember him. He can move on in his own way. 

Maybe he really should text to Namjoon and ask about those underground rap battles.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it here, remember to leave kudos or comments, those make my whole day! ^^
> 
> btw, this is basically a unofficial continuation to my other story "Sometimes (If time is all I have)"  
> (https://archiveofourown.org/works/16079519), if ou want to know how they got to meet or what happened earlier.


End file.
